THE IMPORTANCE OF PREMARITAL COUNSELLING
It is the wedding season! The air is full of celebration, bright colours, and
a whole lot of love (and of course food!). The story changes 3 weeks later
when issues that should have been discussed before marriage come out in
a volcanic eruption between the two individuals. Enter anger, resentment,
frustration, guilt, and a whole lot of uncertainty about the future. In fact, an interesting study show that couples who have huge weddings break up a
year later because they must be compensating for unresolved.
So then, what is premarital counselling?
In simple terms it is a type of therapy that helps couples take the next step
in their relationship, resolve issues in their relationship before they
commit to marriage, or set relationship goals. It is provided by licensed
marriage and family therapists. Many couples seek premarital counseling
as a preventative measure, almost like going to see your primary care
physician for an annual checkup. Instead of waiting until there is a
problem, couples engage in premarital counseling to get ahead of any
issues brewing below the surface.
The aim is to explore and understand various facets of their relationship,
promoting healthier communication, conflict resolution, and overall
relationship satisfaction. Premarital counselling provides a platform for
these processes to occur.
The significance of premarital counseling cannot be overstated, as it plays
a pivotal role in preparing couples for the challenges and joys that
accompany marriage.
These sessions aim to facilitate discussions on
various aspects of a couple’s relationship, covering topics such as communication, finances, expectations, conflict resolution, intimacy,
family dynamics, and individual values. The counsellor guides the couple
through conversations, exercises, and assessments designed to identify
strengths, areas for improvement, and potential challenges in the
relationship. Communication skills are often a central focus, allowing
couples to learn effective ways to express themselves, listen actively, and
understand each other’s perspectives.
What makes premarital counselling so crucial?
It helps partners make the correct choice in the first place.
Couples don’t ask each other uncomfortable questions or have
uncomfortable conversations in the beginning of their relationship which
can stem later. Therefore, premarital counselling curbs this issue. It helps
participants triple-check that their partner is the right one for them and
helps individuals really see what is in front of them so they can make sure
they are making the right choice.
It helps couples explore expectations one has for the another and helps
them set realistic ones.
It’s common to feel dissatisfaction in their marriage because of a decline in
certain expected behaviours after marriage. Setting realistic expectations
about marriage means that the relationship will require frequent deposits in order to flourish and remain healthy. Another important expectation is the roles of partners during marriage. Example whether they have an
egalitarian marriage or a traditional one, the involvement of their families, expectations around work, career, and parenting. Couples need to have
these crucial conversations to go into marriage with realistic expectations.
It is about getting on the same page and coming to a consensus.
The key ingredient: Communication
Communication is an important ingredient in the recipe for a healthy and
flourishing marriage. Effective communication in a relationship calls for
active listening from each partner to truly understand what the other
person is saying and their inner experience. Unfortunately, many couples
(especially during relationship conflict) are thinking of their response as
the other person is speaking, so they are not really paying attention to the
conversation. Premarital counseling teaches couples active listening skills,
a key skill for healthy communication. That means they will have a
roadmap and tools for addressing any issues that arise in the future as it
gives couples the emotional vocabulary to express what they’re feeling as
well as make their requests specific. It gives couples the necessary tools for conflict resolution.
The importance of premarital counseling lies in its ability to equip couples
with the necessary tools to navigate the complexities of marriage. It offers
a proactive approach and lets partners to address potential issues before
they escalate, thereby reducing the likelihood of future conflicts. It helps
intimate partners address concerns that arise in the course of their
relationship, but premarital counseling can help partners identify areas likely to cause conflict later on — finances, child-rearing methods, career
goals, and family dynamics, among others — and either work through these
issues in the early stages of the relationship, if possible, or develop a plan
to address them in the years to come. Understanding each other’s values
By engaging in counseling, couples gain a deeper understanding of each
other’s needs, values, and expectations, laying a strong foundation for a
successful and fulfilling marriage. It also provides a safe space for
addressing concerns, setting realistic goals, and establishing healthy
patterns of communication that can strengthen the relationship.
Couples examine their needs around freedom, autonomy in the relationship, inclusion, exclusion, self-identity, responsibility, religious beliefs, etc. With the support of a trained counsellor, a discussion is focused around the issues that couples face as they enter marriage. A couple would agree or disagree to certain statements, but the main goal is to listen to the themes and needs that’re expressed behind each choice.
It helps explore patterns developed from each individual’s family.
Emotional patterns are handed down in families just as physical traits are.
In other words, a person doesn’t only inherit the shape of their face from
their parents, they also may certain characteristics which may be
disagreeable to the other affecting the relationship. Therapists trained
in family systems use a family diagram or genogram, which reveals
patterns of behaviour through different generations of the family. Couples identify healthy and unhealthy patterns in their families and decide which
patterns they choose to keep and what they want to change.
What to expect in a premarital counselling session
Before one starts the process of premarital counselling, it is important to
note it may not be a smooth sailing and/or comforting journey as one
might perceive. There will be certain challenges that may come up
between the two individuals as well as Taking assessments
Couples might be asked to complete questionnaires or assessments to
evaluate various aspects of their relationship, providing insights into their
strengths, areas for improvement, and potential challenges in the
relationship. The first session often involves an assessment phase where
the counsellor gets to know the couples history, relationship dynamics,
and individual backgrounds.
Many uncomfortable conversations which require raw openness and
vulnerability. Sessions involve open and honest conversations guided by the counsellor, encouraging partners to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns in a supportive environment. Issues like finances, sex, and children can be difficult to communicate. Sometimes partners feel that they’re going around in circles without reaching a resolution.
Therefore, it is recommended to have a safe and a neutral therapist to guide the conversation and examine the feelings and underlying needs — which leads to empathy and understanding among partners.
Lastly, doing exercises to improve communication and resolve conflict, in
basic terms a lot of homework. Couples engage in exercises and role-playing scenarios to enhance their communication techniques and resolve conflicts. For example, “When X happened, I felt Y, but I wanted Z.” Listening generously, validating the other person’s feelings, and seeing things through their eyes are crucial when there is a disagreement. Also, conflict resolution involves teaching couples to claim responsibility in conflict. As an exercise, each partner might say, “What I learn from this is ___” and take accountability for their part in the conflict. For example, a partner might say, “My part is: I didn’t tell you that I will be late coming home from work. Next time, I will give you a call so I don’t keep you waiting.”
Comparing Past: Absence vs. Inclusion of Premarital Counseling
Research indicates compelling differences between couples who undergo
premarital counseling and those who do not. Studies have shown that
couples who participate in premarital counseling demonstrate higher levels of marital satisfaction, communication, and commitment compared to those who forego this preparation. For instance, a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples who engaged in premarital counseling experienced a 30%
decline in the likelihood of divorce. Additionally, they reported better
communication skills and higher levels of marital satisfaction compared to
couples who did not receive premarital counseling.
Furthermore, research has shown that premarital counseling can
significantly reduce the risk of future marital distress by addressing
potential areas of conflict beforehand. Couples who have undergone
counseling often exhibit stronger problem-solving abilities and a greater
understanding of each other's needs, contributing to the longevity and success of their marriages. In contrast, couples who bypass premarital
counseling might face challenges that could have been identified and
addressed earlier. Issues related to communication breakdown, unresolved
conflicts, unrealistic expectations, and financial disagreements might
escalate over time, potentially leading to marital dissatisfaction or even
divorce.
Premarital counseling serves as a proactive measure that empowers
couples to build a solid foundation for a thriving marriage. By addressing
potential challenges, improving communication, and fostering mutual
understanding, it significantly enhances the likelihood of a fulfilling and
long-lasting relationship.
References:
Stanley, S. M., Amato, P. R., Johnson, C. A., & Markman, H. J.
(2006). Premarital education, marital quality, and marital stability:
Findings from a large, random household survey. Journal of Family
Psychology, 20(1), 117–126.
Hawkins, A. J., Blanchard, V. L., Baldwin, S. A., & Fawcett, E. B.
(2008). Does marriage and relationship education work? A meta-
analytic study. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 76(5),
723–734.
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/premarital-counseling-what-is-
definition-where-to-find/
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/premarital-counseling/
https://www.brides.com/story/top-premarital-counselor-questions
https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/modes/premarital-
counseling
https://www.apollocradle.com/blog/role-pre-marital-counselling/
Written By:
Saloni Kullar
(Junior Therapist )
